cheapskate beauty and hygiene frugal dating and relationships: beauty cosmetics Frugal
by SIF
28 comments
Save money: change your definition of attractive.
I’ve had this topic on my mind for sometime and planned a post for next week, but this article by Jacob at ERE and the following discussion inspired me to push up my ‘deadline.’ Don’t worry, I’ll post about global change later.
What we find ‘attractive’ is subjective, influenced by everything from mass media to culture, constantly changing and under our control. My modest proposal: if you want to save money on ‘grooming’ and find a partner capable of the same frugality, change your perspective, and never look back.
What exactly does it take to feel attractive?
I have two solutions for those who want to feel attractive: change your appearance or change your perspective. (Hint, one of the solutions is much cheaper and more sustainable than the other.) For me, working out to produce ‘perfect abs,’ applying lipstick, finding the perfect undergarments or buying new clothes never cuts it. I’ve found the secret to feeling attractive: go a month without a mirror and stop worrying about it!
Have you ever had an experience where you were out in the woods camping or backpacking and didn’t actually see yourself for a long time? Those I know who have had this experience usually find that they feel unusually attractive during this time–or at least confident in their appearance (and I’ll swear by it myself). If you don’t believe me, try it . . .
On being attractive to others:
“But,” you might argue, “you can feel attractive and be tragically wrong!” Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the beholder. Being attractive may not just be for personal satisfaction or self-fulfillment–you may actually want to find a partner who also finds you attractive. In that respect, I think the following two questions are worthy of consideration:
- How many people need to find you attractive for you to be attractive enough?
- Who do you want to find you attractive?
- How much actual effort, resources and money are required to achieve this desired level of ‘attractiveness?’
An experiment with the bare minimum:
In my twenties I traveled through Europe with blatant disregard for my appearance. (No, I did not look like a super model dressed in fashionable yet shabby clothes–I looked . . .frumpy). I was surprised to learn that some men are attracted to women who carry a backpack, don’t wear makeup, don’t mess with their hair, wear the same jeans for days on end, don’t watch TV . . . I’ve found that you can ‘attract’ other human beings with minimalist efforts towards personal appearance– AND that you may actually attract ‘higher quality candidates.’ The men that tended to find me attractive in my ‘frumpiness’ tended to value athletic activities, travel, intelligent conversation and also tended to be non-conformists. As far as numbers go, I’m sure that probably only 10-20% of men my age found me attractive–at most–I was not about to win a beauty contest, but you don’t need to win a contest to find a partner, do you?
Changing what you consider attractive in others:
By the time I met DH, I was already so picky that I wondered if I would ever be in a relationship again. What attracted me to him?
Interests in life beyond money and status: DH had switched from being an engineer to being a primary school teacher because he liked it better and wanted more time for his family and his interests.
Low-maintenance appearance: DH dresses simply, has a low-maintenance haircut. He is athletic-looking because he is someone who regularly enjoys sports–not because he spends hours a week in a gym ‘bulking up.’ (Don’t even get me started . . .)
Self-control in spending habits: DH lived in a sparse, low-rent apartment. His willingness to save money on comforts and appearances allowed him (and still allows him) to spend selectively on developing passions: biking, cross country skiing, guitar . . . I didn’t have to worry about DH judging me for living in a cheap-o apartment with all borrowed furniture and sleeping on the floor. I don’t ever have to worry about DH spending us both into horrific credit card debt!
Intelligence and ideas: DH is an educated and thoughtful person who can have interesting conversations on a number of topics (in two different languages!). I occasionally want to shoot myself if I get stuck in a conversation with someone who has no intellectual interests, so DH’s keen capacity for abstract thought helps me avoid a messy end.
Kindness and strength of character: When we first started dating, I told DH he was one of the nicest people I knew–and he winced, preparing to be dumped. Apparently not everyone finds this trait attractive. But I know too many interesting, intelligent and otherwise gifted people who seem unable to use their powers for good. 
I admit that I am possibly strange in my thoughts on what is attractive, and I’m curious to know what others think. What is your definition of ‘attractive?’ Do you find people you can appreciate easily? Do you feel that people are attracted to those who spend more time, money and energy on appearance?
Note: I wanted to talk about frugal alternatives to dating in this post as well, but I realize there is too much to say. It will have to wait.
I noticed you attract better candidates when you don’t care, too. When I met my husband, I didn’t give a hoot about my looks, but he loved my smile. Now, I care to show him I love him, but knowing that he fell in love with a frumpy me gives me a real sense of security.
As far as what I find attractive, for me it is all in the clothes. I like pretty clothes, but once I put them on, I make little effort with hair and make-up. For judging others, it’s just too hard to know by their appearances. Looking at my friends, I have a real mixture of those who care and those who don’t, so it’s hard to see a true correlation between caring about appearances and character.
I love your posts! I have a DH similiar to yours…mine is French, did homeade haircuts (I am the one who changed that) and is a profoundly nice person. If I didn’t buy him clothes once in awhile he’d be in the things I met him in back in 1986…ok maybe not that bad but almost.
Now, I wish that I could say that I am as advanced as you in appearance-stuff. I unfortunately think I am too high maintanence. I love make-up. I get my hair highlighted (albeit by a very nice lady who comes to the house and does it half-price)…I love clothes.
I am trying to be more simple. I am MUCH better than I used to be (when I only bought Chanel makeup…i could go on but this is painful enough)…
Anyway I find your posts thoughtful and entertaining, and I love that you are here in this French boat with the rest of us lost American expats (I have been here 12 years now).
Cara
I love your blog, which I found via ERE. I am in my 50s and I am sometimes the only woman of my age in a room w/out botox, plastic surgery, etc. It can be dispiriting.
Luckily, I’m lazy about all this and also luckily my husband couldn’t care less. Both my mother and mother-in-law look/looked nice in a low-key way and had doting husbands who thought they were just great. So the family tradition is a wonderful one.
Seeing panic-stricken women–newly gtraded in for a younger model by their well-off hubbies–makes me realize how lucky I am.
I will be back. We are a family of francophiles and my son is studying in Nantes for the year.
Tree–also, you could put an effort into your appearance by eating right, sleeping well and getting enough exercise. I’m not saying you don’t already do those things–maybe you already do! But I tell myself that a happy, healthy and well-rested person is more attractive than a miserable, sickly one disguised in lots of makeup and ‘flattering’ clothing.
Emily, you’re very right about the ’security’ factor of knowing a person loves you without having to dress up or do something special. I hadn’t even thought about that aspect of things.
Cara–12 years! That’s great to hear–it means people from the US can adjust to life on this side of the pond. I don’t think it’s worth regretting your interest in makeup, clothing etc. I think that for those who find fashion to be a kind of language or an art form, it can really be a passion. So why not? It’s just a language I don’t happen to speak 
. I’ve varied in my concern and care regarding how I look over time, but I’m really enjoying not caring again. I find it relaxing and less complicated. And actually, DH and I don’t do it yet, but were considering doing the home haircuts . . .
Frugalscholar–yes I ‘recognize’ you from ere. I think you make a good point about the hubby not caring if you don’t maintain a perfect appearance–and the link in not having to worry about being ‘traded in’–that sounds awful! So does botox actually. I dare say that if I started getting high maintenance and using lots of makeup and botox that DH would freak out–he doesn’t want to deal with that kind of thing. I don’t blame him.
Love it! Sounds similar to me and my guy My whole world changed when I realized that niceness is the most important quality to look for in a mate, over any other. (Though physical attraction helps, I think the niceness just multiplies it!)
This is an awesome post.
I think people should be themselves. If you spend money on makeup and all the accoutrements of beauty, then you’ll attract someone who likes those things.
And if someone can’t find a woman attractive without her wearing makeup, jewelry and the latest fashions, then that person isn’t worth bothering about.
I never thought I would find a partner until I became thin, but then I met my honey. His happiness is directly proportional to the size of my ass, so life is great! In any case, I don’t think the majority of guys give a crap about make up or cute clothes. Guys are really much less superficial than us women folk, when you think about it!
Stephanie–I agree, I think that having a partner who is ‘nice’ aids in physical attraction. It is hard to be attracted to someone who is a jerk!
Great post!
Here’s when I knew that my 20-something daughter and her boyfriend had a strong relationship: I saw them hanging out together and noticed that she was wearing her glasses, not her contacts, and that she was makeup-free.
And (under the influence of a few drinks) her boyfriend has remarked that it’s great to know that she loves him even though he’s loosing his hair and has a tiny beer belly.
Great post! I think this is the other side of the coin of the ‘men who think women are only looking for rich guys with fancy cars.’
Kris–you know, I think that this is an important point for men too, as you point out. Really, I think that any relationship that hinges on appearance, money or other superficial items is precarious and probably quite stressful.
Tracy, it’s funny, but I actually used to meet men (during the 90’s mostly) who would immediately tell me how they had their nest egg put aside or would earn a certain amount of money during the ‘flirting’ stage–no kidding! I used to think men like this were strange and crazy, but now I realize that some men really do feel pressure from that end of things in terms of attracting women. Just like I think those kinds of fears are blown out of proportion on their part–I believe that women sometimes get it into their heads that they must be physically ‘perfect’ to attract men. I think that if you’re willing to pass on the folks that are really attracted to that sort of thing, that you can find people who are not so shallow.
Great post. Similar to stephanie, life became much easier when I realised that kindness was the most important quality in a mate.
Laura–what I don’t understand is how many people (from either sex) actually think that kindness or niceness is unattractive. . .
Loved this post!
I’m glad I’ve always been very low-maintenance. In fact, I recently cut my hair less than an inch long because I was tired of having to maintain it.
The best part was going with my sister for her make-over. My sister asked her why I had better skin than she did. The beautician looked at both of us and said simply “Your sister doesn’t wear makeup, does she? That’s why.” I’ve also been told that I have very healthy hair…because I don’t do anything to it. 
CWNmamau–excellent. I’ve been thinking of going with a very short cut recently, but am afraid it would stick straight up . . . or that I have a secretly small head! But yes, I think that all that messing with the hair and face is probably not the healthiest.
That seems understandable. While I don’t expect a guy to be rich (in the monetary sense of the word), someone who is jobless, or willing to quit his job without finding another one or having savings to fall back on just because of an uncomfortable incident at work or something, is automatically out for me.
An admission on a early date or flirting that you have a nest egg is very strange to me, however, it would definitely pull you from the above category, which would put me at ease a bit.
I’ve never had this happen to me, but all the guys I know are in the same position as me: low paying jobs because of age/education/economy factors. So where they might have gotten that money (aside from a trust fund) I have no idea.
so many self-proclaimed nice guys say to me “why can’t I find a girl who likes that I’m nice?, they always leave me for the bad boys!”
I think its a corollary to the male version of “you date the trashy chicks and marry the nice girls”, though.
Its horrible behavior and I don’t understand it from people of either sex.
Jennifer–hm you know, you’re right, men do this too. They’re the ones who go after seriously evil women and then want you to explain why all women behave that way. I guess that by passing up all those people that can’t appreciate you for being a healthy, normal human being without self-destructive tendencies is probably a good thing–for men and women. I also think that people get wiser with age, because I did. . . maybe I’m wrong.
Either wiser with age, or ready to settle down, anyway. I mentioned that one because I was listening to the local morning show a few weeks ago, and the newly married female DJ was wondering why when she was still dating it was so hard for her to find dates, and the male DJ said “because nobody dates nice girls, nice girls you want to take home to mom, you want to marry them, not date them. When you’re ready to get married, you have to go find a nice girl.”
I was pretty shocked to hear him just flat out admit thats what guys do. I suppose yes, with age comes wisdom, although when its put that way, it just sounds like they are tired of the rat race or something.
I am one of the nice girls, and I never have luck with men. I suppose I could seek out older men who are looking to get married (not a lot older, but a few years, although I’m older than the average marrying male in my area so I don’t know how that would work out.) but I’ve always liked younger guys, and found older ones intimidating, so that would require a great shift in my own perceptions too.
Jennifer–wow! It’s a look into another world. I think also that people get too hung up on getting married. I happen to be married, yes, but it wasn’t really my goal per se. I have lots of friends in their 30’s who are not married (and know plenty of folks who got married young and got divorced . . .) And interestingly, at about age 24, I started to find I was increasingly attracted to older men (maybe 3-6 years older, not 30 years older–hah!). Perhaps it is as much a question of maturity–and knowing what you value in a relationship as anything. As for everyone your age being married already . . . when you move to a bigger community, that will no longer be the case.
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I have been thinking about this myself. I want to make an effort without using up resources, are the two mutually exclusive? I don’t believe so.
For many a year I have seen women of all shapes and sizes who always looked beautiful. Some wore makeup and had fancy updos and others don’t. What made them appear attractive was their confidence and the fact that you could tell they put an effort into their appearance.