Radical simplicity, frugality–for couples only?

Last week, in the discussion following the post, Risks you’d take to live your dream, Maus posed a question that deserved a post in its own right:

Patricia’s story, as well as that of Trisha’s here at SIF and Jacob’s at ERE, makes me wonder if living at the edge is easier (or at least easier to contemplate) if you have a spouse or partner. While I have no qualms about living a simple life, indeed I embrace it; I am held back by the prospect of loneliness or isolation, especially in the later stages of life. It is one reason that I remain rooted in outrageously expensive California. There are no (habitable) houses for $250 a year; but my family and friends are nearby. To me, the prospect of real hardship can only be borne with the knowledge that I can draw on the support of friends and family.

What do others think? Is the single versus coupled dichotomy a false one with respect to radical simplicity?

Couples, simplicity and frugality: practical considerations.

Simple, frugal--easier for couples?

Immediately after reading Maus’s comment my mind began to mull over all the ways in which I’ve found that living in a couple makes it easier. Financial advantages of living in a couple include shared lodging and entertainment.  Less tangible benefits such as moral support and companionship can make situations comfortable and happy when they would otherwise feel austere.  Should you fall on hard times, you (ideally) have a partner or spouse to help boost your morale or support you.

Honestly, though, how many people have you heard complaining on blogs and in real life that they would love to indulge in radical simplicity, if only their spouse or partner would agree? While I admit this is not my particular experience, it’s not difficult to find examples of people who feel that their husbands,wives, partners stop them from achieving the degree of minimalism they seek, from spending less or from ‘dropping out of the rat race.’

Sometimes couples support each other during hard times, but not always. I’ve also seen couples fight over reduced incomes, money troubles or simple discrepancies in how money should be spent.

Do radical simplicity, frugality and social isolation go hand in hand?

Maus seems to draw a link between simplicity and “loneliness” or isolation, but does one really follow the other? If you look at Patricia’s example, she and her partner left the UK to resettle in a rather rural (read remote) area.  I left many of my friends and all my family behind to move to France.  Jacob from ERE is also living a somewhat uprooted lifestyle, although he left his native Denmark years ago.

I suppose that one could conclude that leaving your native culture and moving someplace new requires that you leave behind your connections, however, I’m not sure that leaving family behind is necessary. At least one of the examples above, Jacob, happens to live in an extremely high-rent area.  He certainly hasn’t found himself forced to move and leave it all behind in order to simplify.  Patricia and I have moved and simplified, but if you remember from Patricia’s story, she has a lot of local friends and a very rich social life in Portugal.  As for my husband and I, we now live much closer to his family and our friends in France, so we hardly find ourselves alone–quite the contrary.  As DH recovers from his accident we’re surrounded by family and friends.

If you think about societies where social isolation occurs, do you think of radically simple ones? I personally think of affluent societies. I’ve never been  to Cuba, but whenever I watch a documentary on that country, I see people living lifestyles we’d probably consider quite radical by US standards, and all the while, they find themselves tightly connected to the society around them.  For example, in Cuba, I recently learned that drivers are required to pick up hitch hikers and that taxis can’t leave until they are full. That’s just one example of the way societies can be simple in terms of material goods and highly complex in terms of interdependence and relationships.

Sharing resources and living a simplified life can bring all kinds of contact with others. Patricia found herself bartering with neighbors; Jacob has theorized about sharing large tools between neighbors.  The most radically simple lifestyles I’ve ever currently witnessed were in Madagascar–where people were appalled to learn that occasionally in the US, an elderly person can die at home and the fact can go undiscovered for some time.  In Madagascar, this is unthinkable.

What do you think about living simply and frugally?

Is it possible when you’re single?  Is it easier in a couple?  What are your experiences in this area?  Does simplicity lead to social isolation?  Does living in a couple protect you from the precarious nature of life?

Your favorite cheap, creative dates

Stuck in a rut with dating? It can bore you and cost you.

Picture yourself picnicking in a blossoming lemon grove under a full moon.  That’s a date one of my aunt described to me years ago that sticks in my mind’s eye to this day.  Does such a frugal and creative evening sound more fun to you than the standard dinner and a movie?  It does to me.

A moonlight picnic certainly has the potential to cost less than your standard night ‘out.’  I’m hard pressed to think of a way to fund dinner and a movie for under $40.  Unless you intend to do it at home (and there is nothing wrong with that!). There is nothing inherently wrong with paying full price for an evening out doing something you love.  But mixing things up on occasion can spare your pocket and keep life interesting, whether you’re just getting to know someone or you’ve been married for years.

Cheap dates–where to find inspiration:

Is it just me or is coming up with creative and inexpensive outings to share with a partner more taxing than simply going with the conventional options?  Here are some places I look for inspiration . . .although additional suggestions are welcome

• Are there any natural wonders around you? Do you live near the sea?  Could you drive up a hill for a nice valley view?  Consider finding an activity that takes advantage of your surroundings: hiking, walking, picnics, photography . . .
• Can you think of any interesting and inexpensive cultural events in your neighborhood? In my husband’s hometown in France, every Tuesday night between 5-7 bands play outdoor concerts in different locations downtown.  You can wind your way through the streets listening to different musicians each week.  It’s completely free, unless you decide to stop for a drink, in which case, you’d probably still pay under 10 euros.  Back in San Diego, we also used to stop by LaJolla and tour the local art galleries.  Their exhibits changed often enough that we could do this every few weeks.
  
• Do you and your date share any interests or hobbies? (Well, I hope you do!).  You could look for ways to indulge your interests in some area you both enjoy.  My husband and I enjoy hiking and are far happier getting up early to go on a hike together than doing most other things.
  

When spending a little more on a date is worth it.

We tend to be dating tightwads in some areas so that we can splurge in others.   We’re likely to spend a little extra money on concerts we really want to see, a bed and breakfast in a region we want to visit (much cheaper in France, by the way), or an afternoon of wine-tasting.

What are your favorite frugal dates?

Where do you get your best ideas for dates? Can you think of a date you found to be particularly fun and low-cost? When do you feel it’s worth splurging?

THIS may not happen every day!

Alright, I’m very, very excited. Have you ever written something–a blog post, a comment, an email, a letter–and thought, this is what I really think and I don’t care if it get’s me rejected or flamed or ridiculed?  Well, for me, one of those moments was when I wrote the post, Save Money, Change Your Definition of Attractive.

When I posted that topic, I thought people would quite possibly mock me, disagree, but that I still wanted to put it out in the wold. People seemed to take it quite well–at least the people who read this blog . . . a certain segment of the population that I find likely to want to question life around them.  So I was safe in my own little blog bubble.

And then, I got this crazy idea: to submit it to a blog carnival.  Not a not to an extreme frugal blog carnival, not to a non-conformist, fringe-type carnival. . .

to the Total Mind and Body Fitness Blog Carnival.

And it got in.

I’m happy to see my own quirky little post out there in a larger world.  I’m’ not saying that my ideas need to be accepted into the mainstream to count–but I just love the idea of a new understanding of what is beautiful making some headway in our society–one that doesn’t include losing 30 pounds in 30 days or laser hair removal.  But hey, I hail from Southern California–so maybe I see the world differently.

I was also pleased to find that some of the other articles in the carnival were not exactly what I expected. . .(although some were–hey, we can’t all agree!)

Cheapskate dating.

Coffee, drinks and polite conversation--dating is hard.

The date in my mind’s eye: dressing ‘up’ to go someplace boring yet expensive (drinks, dinner a movie?) with a person I don’t really know–and possibly don’t want to know–Running the risk of being bored to tears (or just plain shocked and awed) until the bill comes.  Argh! Ok, ok, maybe things will go well and you’ll have a polite conversation that sounds a bit like a job interview with flirting . . .double argh!!!

At the end of it all, you’ve spent quite a bit of money on something that you didn’t really enjoy(especially if your a  man who insists on paying for everything OR if your a man dating a woman who expects you to pay for everything–sorry guys).  Not fun, not frugal!  I’d rather go to the dentist and be drilled.  If you think about it, both experiences involve a loss of time, expense, discomfort and polite yet inane conversation–but at least with the dentist you get something for your money.

But I have a better solution to finding (or stumbling upon) a partner . . .or just someone to have fun with.

Enjoy being single and take advantage of things you can do because you’re single.  First of all, being single is fun.  You can go where you want, keep your home exactly as you like it, pick up and leave for the weekend, wear hideous pajamas or no pajamas, read up on the classics, take classes, do sports.  Think big in this department.

By enjoying being single you’re likely to become a more interesting person with independent ideas, passions . . .a soul. You’re likely to know what you enjoy which will help you find other people who might enjoy something similar. If you’re not someone who likes to spend lots of money on cocktails, dinners out and movies then you’re not likely to meet someone who does if you spend your time say, playing Frisbee or gardening.

Find other people who share your passions and spend time with them–doing things you already like. Some of these people might spark your interest romantically.  If so, great.  If not, oh well, at least you spent your time doing what you already enjoy! If you meet someone you think you might like, you can invite them to do something you enjoy–and this can be an activity that costs nothing.  You might even decide to that someone’s passions and interests help you re-define attractive.

Skip conventional dating altogether. DH and I met at work, chatted a bit and discovered we both enjoyed running and hiking.  We went on a few hikes together, DH  noticed that I could hike as fast as he could and did so without complaining –and the rest was history.  If we spent money on our ‘dating’ phase, it was on gas and an occasional sandwich for a long hike.  Had we never developed a romantic interest in one another, our time would still not have been wasted because we were both already doing something we love.

Maybe hiking isn’t for you.  Here are some ways I’ve seen people meet or get to know each other:

• writing clubs, book clubs
• conferences on topics that interest you
• travel
• athletic activities
• rare tree club (no joke)
• language exchanges (fun and free!)
• Chess, checkers or cards
• Cooking and wine-tasting (ok, this one costs money, but if it’s your passion, you’re already doing it, right?)
• art galleries, shows etc
• volunteer projects

I bet you can think of some passions that you could share with other people (without wasting time or money) in the place of ‘dating.’ Feel free to share.  And if anyone actually did have a good experience with traditional dating, I’m very, very curious.

Save money: change your definition of attractive.

I’ve had this topic on my mind for sometime and planned a post for next week, but this article by Jacob at ERE and the following discussion inspired me to push up my ‘deadline.’  Don’t worry, I’ll post about global change later.

What we find ‘attractive’ is subjective, influenced by everything from mass media to culture, constantly changing and under our control. My modest proposal: if you want to save money on ‘grooming’ and find a partner capable of the same frugality, change your perspective, and never look back.

What exactly does it take to feel attractive?

I have two solutions for those who want to feel attractive: change your appearance or change your perspective. (Hint, one of the solutions is much cheaper and more sustainable than the other.)   For me, working out to produce ‘perfect abs,’ applying lipstick, finding the perfect undergarments or buying new clothes never cuts it.  I’ve found the secret to feeling attractive: go a month without a mirror and stop worrying about it!

Have you ever had an experience where you were out in the woods camping or backpacking and didn’t actually see yourself for a long time?  Those I know who have had this experience usually find that they feel unusually attractive during this time–or at least confident in their appearance (and I’ll swear by it myself).  If you don’t believe me, try it . . .

On being attractive to others:

“But,” you might argue, “you can feel attractive and be tragically wrong!”  Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the beholder.  Being attractive may not just be for personal satisfaction or self-fulfillment–you may actually want to find a partner who also finds you attractive.  In that respect, I think the following two questions are worthy of consideration:

• How many people need to find you attractive for you to be attractive enough?
• Who do you want to find you attractive?
• How much actual effort, resources and money are required to achieve this desired level of ‘attractiveness?’

An experiment with the bare minimum:

In my twenties I traveled through Europe with blatant disregard for my appearance.   (No, I did not look like a super model dressed in fashionable yet shabby clothes–I looked . . .frumpy).  I was surprised to learn that some men are attracted to women who carry a backpack, don’t wear makeup, don’t mess with their hair, wear the same jeans for days on end, don’t watch TV . . . I’ve found that you can ‘attract’ other human beings with minimalist efforts towards personal appearance–  AND that you may actually attract ‘higher quality candidates.’ The men that tended to find me attractive in my ‘frumpiness’ tended to value athletic activities, travel, intelligent conversation and also tended to be non-conformists. As far as numbers go, I’m sure that probably only 10-20% of men my age found me attractive–at most–I was not about to win a beauty contest, but you don’t need to win a contest to find a partner, do you?

Changing what you consider attractive in others:

By the time I met DH, I was already so picky that I wondered if I would ever be in a relationship again.  What attracted me to him?

Interests in life beyond money and status: DH had switched from being an engineer to being a primary school teacher because he liked it better and wanted more time for his family and his interests.

Low-maintenance appearance: DH dresses simply, has a low-maintenance haircut.  He is athletic-looking because he is someone who regularly enjoys sports–not because he spends hours a week in a gym ‘bulking up.’  (Don’t even get me started . . .)

Self-control in spending habits: DH lived in a sparse, low-rent apartment.  His willingness to save money on comforts and appearances allowed him (and still allows him) to spend selectively on developing passions: biking, cross country skiing, guitar . . . I didn’t have to worry about DH judging me for living in a cheap-o apartment with all borrowed furniture and sleeping on the floor.  I don’t ever have to worry about DH spending us both into horrific credit card debt!

Intelligence and ideas: DH is an educated and thoughtful person who can have interesting conversations on a number of topics (in two different languages!).  I occasionally want to shoot myself if I get stuck in a conversation with someone who has no intellectual interests, so DH’s keen capacity for abstract thought helps me avoid a messy end.

Kindness and strength of character: When we first started dating, I told DH he was  one of the nicest people I knew–and he winced, preparing to be dumped.   Apparently not everyone finds this trait attractive.  But I know too many interesting, intelligent and otherwise gifted people who seem unable to use their powers for good. 

I admit that I am possibly strange in my thoughts on what is attractive, and I’m curious to know what others think. What is your definition of ‘attractive?’  Do you find people you can appreciate easily?  Do you feel that people are attracted to those who spend more time, money and energy on appearance?

Note: I wanted to talk about frugal alternatives to dating in this post as well, but I realize there is too much to say.  It will have to wait.