Save money: change your definition of attractive.

I’ve had this topic on my mind for sometime and planned a post for next week, but this article by Jacob at ERE and the following discussion inspired me to push up my ‘deadline.’  Don’t worry, I’ll post about global change later.

What we find ‘attractive’ is subjective, influenced by everything from mass media to culture, constantly changing and under our control. My modest proposal: if you want to save money on ‘grooming’ and find a partner capable of the same frugality, change your perspective, and never look back.

What exactly does it take to feel attractive?

I have two solutions for those who want to feel attractive: change your appearance or change your perspective. (Hint, one of the solutions is much cheaper and more sustainable than the other.)   For me, working out to produce ‘perfect abs,’ applying lipstick, finding the perfect undergarments or buying new clothes never cuts it.  I’ve found the secret to feeling attractive: go a month without a mirror and stop worrying about it!

Have you ever had an experience where you were out in the woods camping or backpacking and didn’t actually see yourself for a long time?  Those I know who have had this experience usually find that they feel unusually attractive during this time–or at least confident in their appearance (and I’ll swear by it myself).  If you don’t believe me, try it . . .

On being attractive to others:

“But,” you might argue, “you can feel attractive and be tragically wrong!”  Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the beholder.  Being attractive may not just be for personal satisfaction or self-fulfillment–you may actually want to find a partner who also finds you attractive.  In that respect, I think the following two questions are worthy of consideration:

• How many people need to find you attractive for you to be attractive enough?
• Who do you want to find you attractive?
• How much actual effort, resources and money are required to achieve this desired level of ‘attractiveness?’

An experiment with the bare minimum:

In my twenties I traveled through Europe with blatant disregard for my appearance.   (No, I did not look like a super model dressed in fashionable yet shabby clothes–I looked . . .frumpy).  I was surprised to learn that some men are attracted to women who carry a backpack, don’t wear makeup, don’t mess with their hair, wear the same jeans for days on end, don’t watch TV . . . I’ve found that you can ‘attract’ other human beings with minimalist efforts towards personal appearance–  AND that you may actually attract ‘higher quality candidates.’ The men that tended to find me attractive in my ‘frumpiness’ tended to value athletic activities, travel, intelligent conversation and also tended to be non-conformists. As far as numbers go, I’m sure that probably only 10-20% of men my age found me attractive–at most–I was not about to win a beauty contest, but you don’t need to win a contest to find a partner, do you?

Changing what you consider attractive in others:

By the time I met DH, I was already so picky that I wondered if I would ever be in a relationship again.  What attracted me to him?

Interests in life beyond money and status: DH had switched from being an engineer to being a primary school teacher because he liked it better and wanted more time for his family and his interests.

Low-maintenance appearance: DH dresses simply, has a low-maintenance haircut.  He is athletic-looking because he is someone who regularly enjoys sports–not because he spends hours a week in a gym ‘bulking up.’  (Don’t even get me started . . .)

Self-control in spending habits: DH lived in a sparse, low-rent apartment.  His willingness to save money on comforts and appearances allowed him (and still allows him) to spend selectively on developing passions: biking, cross country skiing, guitar . . . I didn’t have to worry about DH judging me for living in a cheap-o apartment with all borrowed furniture and sleeping on the floor.  I don’t ever have to worry about DH spending us both into horrific credit card debt!

Intelligence and ideas: DH is an educated and thoughtful person who can have interesting conversations on a number of topics (in two different languages!).  I occasionally want to shoot myself if I get stuck in a conversation with someone who has no intellectual interests, so DH’s keen capacity for abstract thought helps me avoid a messy end.

Kindness and strength of character: When we first started dating, I told DH he was  one of the nicest people I knew–and he winced, preparing to be dumped.   Apparently not everyone finds this trait attractive.  But I know too many interesting, intelligent and otherwise gifted people who seem unable to use their powers for good. 

I admit that I am possibly strange in my thoughts on what is attractive, and I’m curious to know what others think. What is your definition of ‘attractive?’  Do you find people you can appreciate easily?  Do you feel that people are attracted to those who spend more time, money and energy on appearance?

Note: I wanted to talk about frugal alternatives to dating in this post as well, but I realize there is too much to say.  It will have to wait.